Last week while working away at my desk, someone approached me and said "I see your aknes" (I mean acne, but ak-nes is exactly what was said) while at the same time pointing out on their own face the exact location of my acnes.
Now, not much that comes out of Turkish peoples mouths surprises me much anymore, but I have to say, I was upset. Hormonal, sensitive and upset.
I replied by saying "thanks for pointing that out because I didn't notice them myself as I didn't bother to look in the mirror at all this morning". But my sarcasm couldn't hide the golf ball welling in my throat which I swalloed away quickly to avoid the tears from welling up. I'm so over peoples straight rudeness. Where is the cultural sensitivity? Or is it all just one way here for the foreigners to follow?
During my time here, I have become accustomed to inappropriate comments and questions, and I accept that some things are very "normal" for these people to ask, but it still seems to shock me about peoples lack of boundaries and sensitivities, also bearing in mind that I am a foreigner and maybe such comments and questions are not the go. But I'm not sure they ever consider that fact.
Kilo aldın mı?, "did you take kilos?"
Kilo verdin mi?, "did you give kilos?"
Kaç kilosun sen? "how many kilos are you?"
are all very standard questions that I have been asked and get asked by people in Turkey, not to mention questions about my salary, how much rent I pay or how much I paid for a house.
A few days later I was talking with the acne comment person and I told them that they offended me. I kindly tried to explain that that is one of the very big cultural differences between Turks and foreigners and that there are some things you can and can't say to people. But the more I talked about it the more I felt that they were getting offended. So I gave up.
So, tell me people, what is the most outrageous question you have been asked by someone, in Turkey or anywhere? There has to be something worse than the aknes comment.
15 comments:
Ugh, I hear ya. I have been asked if I've gained weight, lost weight, how much rent I pay, how much money I make, what I spend on make-up. I've gotten used to these questions and I guess sort of feel that they're somewhat standard now.
The worst question I have ever been asked (and am still asked on occasion) is, "Why don't you have a baby?" I've been married for almost 4 years and this is what they ask me. Not, "Are children in your future"? or "Would you like to have children someday?" which are somewhat less offensive ways to ask about the status of your ovaries. Instead the question comes out as an accusation -- "Why have you not had children?" As if there is something wrong with me. Can you imagine asking a woman that question if she had been trying for 4 years to have a baby and couldn't? That would be just devastating. As it is it's just annoying to me.
Happens all the time. I get the feeling it has something to do with social boundaries which some Turks find hard to detect. Asking questions or making comments is only half of it. One time, while I was working, some person I had never met came in holding my shoes and thanking me. I said naturally,"What's this?" He said, "Your flatmate said I could use them for the football match. He said he knew you wouldn't mind."
How would he know and of course, I minded.
One thing that might soothe your hurt feelings, at least, it wasn't done with the intention of causing you pain. You can blame it on stupidity or insensitivity or a lack of forethought but not malice. I think this is much worse.
By the way, as you learned, confronting a person like that- a certain type of Turk- rarely works. Here is my personal learning experience:
http://nomadicjoe.blogspot.com/2008/10/guy-who-wasnt-victim.html
Of course me too...always about the giving or taking of kilos. First time I was asked if I was "fat" was by my husband's(at the time boyfriend) male friend. I couldn't believe it and started crying at the bar while we were out having beers and a "good time". He told me he was worried about my health as he smoked his cigarette. I was pissed-shocked but now know it is a cultural norm...thanks for sharing your story:)
Oh yes! They do it in Asia too!
A friend of mine in Taiwan, (male) went home for a month to Canada to see his family. Walking into the office upon his return, the 5 secretaries all gasped at once and yelled, "Ahhh! You're so FAT!"
A week later he was in an elevator, two men were carrying on loudly in Chinese "My god! look at that foreigners legs! He's all hairy like a monkey!"
At that point my friend turned and asked them in Chinese, "So which floor would you gentlemen like to get off?"
It happens a lot! I don't have a solution, just know you are not alone!
Oh yes! I've had 12 years of blunt, insensitive questions and statements too! I think one of the worst was when I lived in Goreme, and a n old guy who passed the shop where I worked every day, pointed out the bags under my eyes. I just smiled and said thankyou! A couple of days later,he came past on a bike and with a smile on my face I told him he was too fat and heavy for the bike. He just agreed with me so that didn't work.
It seems that if you make similar comments to Turks they are just not offended. I have accepted that it's just the way they are...you can't change them.
Don't take it personally...I don't anymore.
OOO-sten-ney Vah-see-fay de-yil.
Practice this until you can say it quickly with a very polite smile. It means: It is none of your business.
You shouldn't say it with an angry inflection but give it a smile, because Turks are more visual and an expression of anger can provoke a response of anger. I use this primarily when I feel my privacy is being invaded and I don't wish to answer personal questions.
oh oids, see you are not alone. I'm prediciting what is going to happen next...:)
Hello Renai;
Yes we are a nosy and curious bunch.That's because agrarian society ways are still alive here.It's like we are all in a big village and everybody is responsible for everybody's health,wealth or whatever.I can say that it's a weird way of showing affection.They care about you,that's why they tell or ask you these things.You can always tell from a person's facial expression that he/she does it to hurt you anyway.I can even say that it's an annoying way to show you ''Welcome to the club''
Sure.. Welcome to the Club. Feel better now? :)
During last 5 days I have once asked and once informed, that I gain weight. As I am slim, I don't care about it so much, it just seem strange.
More I care about asking my age and commenting, that I look much more younger, as well asking about my relationship and commenting, that "oh, if he don't marry you right NOW, leave him, you will find someone else!". This is what makes me crazy. I breath in, breath out and keep going :-)
Most of the offensive comments I have received have been whilst pregnant. The comments were made by an older single co-worker who regularly told me how enormous I was and asked if I was expecting twins. Great rudeness!!
Hi Renai,
Last night was reading a friends blog that let to another friend which led to yours :)
I have been here for almost 4 years and first time I met my MIL's lady friends one came up to me and said '' What beautiful nose! You give me doctors name, ok?''
Take Care and keep writing ... I am enjoying it very much
I was going to say exactly the same as Barbara about people asking why someone doesn't have children. Given the crowds at the fertility clinic next to my OB/GYN's office, plenty of people are struggling to have kids here.
Once a group of students asked me that on the first day of class, and I lied and told them it was because I had a sickness that ruined my insides. After they were all embarrassed and feeling sorry for me, I told them I didn't really, but they should think twice before asking someone like that.
As psipati says, asking about weight or whatever is often a genuine way of showing concern-- being too thin implies you're unwell or unhappy while gaining weight means all's well (especially for a newly married woman they're hoping will give them a kid soon). If you get too fat, there's automatically something to talk about-- endless snake oil remedies for losing weight and food with miraculous benefits while shoving the 3rd piece of cake into your mouth.
I recently gained 2 kilos that just won't go away (the joy of breastfeeding is officially over a year after stopping, and along with it that wonderful 3,500+ calories a day). My in-laws are thrilled to bits and talk about it every time I see them. I'm trying to thicken my skin, but I swear there's a malicious spark in MIL's eye that FIL's eye doesn't have...
As a teacher, having just had a double period of the worst class ever, it just added insult to injury to leave the class fuming and be beckoned acorss the school yard to be asked if I "got fat". I couldn't even muster the diplomatic smile!
I never realised the Turkish could be so insensative! On holidays the Turkish men act like charmers around the ladies so I am very suprised to hear that was not so in this case. Would love to hear more of your travels on the Turkish Life Forums. Regards. CrashTester.
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